Of Paradox and Loopholes;

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There are times when we feel deep regret and relief at the same time. I
finally admit something to myself that I longed struggled to admit.
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-Relief, for I finally had come to a conclusion. I achieved the solution
on a problem that wasn’t really hard to solve anyway.-

-Regret, because I found out that no matter how hard I try, it never
is going to change.-
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It feels good to finally find myself. But the horrors of it’s effects
still haunt me.
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Along with my admittance came my strong urge to tell somebody about it.
Who did I tell? Someone important to me of course. She might be bitchy
towards me, she might hurt my feelings at times, we even fight at times,
but it’s times like this I’m glad to have her in my life.
~
She just accepted things, and made me better bout myself. God knows how
lowly I see myself now… But she managed to save me from the spikes.
~
Yes, you might be wonderin who she is, I’m not in the position of revealin her,
but once she reads this… She will know it’s about her. I gained a new level of
respect towards her. And I now believe that she indeed, is a real person.
~
Sometimes I wish my life was like a novel or a movie, where the events
have an ending. You know, everything just ends, no one needs to suffer
anymore after the big rain.
~
Unfortunately, life isn’t like that. Along with this acceptance… comes
trials in life…
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It’s funny how life slaps you in the face, and how life uses that very
same hand to comfort you when all seems hopeless.
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I think I had enough being everybody’s fool. Fooling people is really
easy, but fooling yourself? That’s another story.
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As a great friend of mine said, a sailor’s advice,
"In the middle of a storm, the best way to survive a great wave, is to
head to it straight on, and ride it"
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Maybe that’s what I’m doing now, riding the wave.
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On the sidenote:
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The infestation problems are finally over. I learned that
money does indeed make life easier.

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Today I found large networks of "Anay/Termite" infestations near our stairs.
It’s really weird to look at it. I mean I could feel the hair on the back of my head rising and stuff.
~
Before we were overrun by swarms of these semi-quasi-wood-eating-locusts. Our helper decided to "burn" the infested nests and bring some water in case of emergency. I wasn’t too open to the idea… I mean, wouldn’t that burn the house too? She suggested  otherwise though. Saying that nothing could go wrong;
~

Results:

• *Smell of burning hair*

• *Panicking like the house is on fire… er… wait*

• *Panicking BECAUSE the house is on fire!!!*

• *Constant frantic cursing*

• *2 Nosy Neighbors*

• *Someone with a burned left eyebrow(and it ain’t me)*

• *A person with burned eybrow horrified, screaming and (dancing?) like she was summoning kingdom come.*

~
I tried calling maintainance to look at the nest but all I got was
enduring and wasting a few minutes to the useless rants of a former
frustrated insect terminator.
~
The season of October is "Anay" awareness month he says. I mean, WTF?
But then again before the maid with "burning fervours" return from
the drugstore, I agreed to have him take a look.
~

Results:

• *A bucket-worth of orange juice*

• *Lotsa mess*

• *More orange juice consumption*

• *Boring stories*

• *Geez, is orange juice really that addictive?*

• *Horrible cracking sound*

• *Frantic Running Away from the House as fast as possible*

• *The horror in learning that Termites "DO" bite*

Being a cheapsake does have it’s disadvantages… The frikin memory will haunt me as long as I live. *Sigh*

Maybe I’d try asking the "shaman/mangkukulam/mambabarang" next door about this infestation. She must have some
weird voodoo spells to rid our house of em.

Till then, "ta ta peasants". Err, yeah, seriously, I need to lay off the insecticides.

WARNING: This isn’t meant to be read/analyzed as it is part
of an experiment I’m doing. Pouring my heart isn’t what I’m doing here.
I’m using my mind instead to analyze things. The heart tends to be very
erroneous and I can’t afford any more additional errors.

They say that Dreams are the windows to the soul.

I say bullshit/otherwise. All that my dreams give me or show me are things that I really don’t have any reactions/relation/knowledge of or things I REALLY DON’T WANT AT ALL. It’s such a frickin feeling when I dream. It’s like I’m a totally different person complete with the whole set  (different names, different friends, different family, heck even different set of memories).

I always forget my dreams afterwards, but I have read once in an article that writing down your dreams just after you wake up helps you remember what your dreams are.

I tried that experiment for this whole week, and guess what? For the first few days I didn’t even dream. I eventally had my first dream though… and it made me wish I didn’t dream at all.

I have this weird pattern of dreaming, it starts with something that has no relation to anyting then chains up magically. I’m just gonna write the segment I remember.

~

"GO AHEAD!! JUMP!! We’ll catch you!!!"

I was walking towards a very tall building, in my dream I was the owner of a skyscraper. A businessman. I however hated every single employee I had.

I was also morbid. I killed any employee by ordering them to go inside this large oven I had and burning them.

I burned a lot of people I knew in real life-cause in my dream, they were all my slaves. My parents, my siblings, my friends. And I didn’t even feel any reservation, remorse or regret. I then dumped their burnt bodies or ashes(if I was feeling extra-snappy) on the window beside my table.

But one time, I tried burning this drunk employee I had, my building caught fire.

Me being on the top roof didn’t really have access for a quick escape. So when I heard voices on my window, and saw some of my employees, although there was something familiar about them, I didn’t think twice and listened to their suggestion to jump.

—Now you would think I woke up right?—

–Wrong–

My floor wasn’t exactly near the ground, a few hundred storeus up to be exact, you can only imagine how stupid it was to jump. I really didn’t realize until all those employees who said they’d catch me slowly turned into burning corpses… I just realized they were the ones I burned…

—Then I woke up because of some stupid News show on the radio(It was on alarm mode)—

~

I really think that dreams are kind of forms of escapism for most of us. But for me… I don’t know. Maybe it’s telling me something, Maybe I have an overly-active imagination, Maybe it was the semi-spoiled macaroni I ate for lunch, whatever it was… It isn’t escapism, no, not for me.

~
The second night I had a less dramatic dream, But it my own honest opinion, it’s the most eerie and twisted.
~

Ever since I was young, I always had this thing against dolls and rebultos(Replicas, Statues and Figurines). I hate them with passion. I mean, I don’t get the concept of making a replica of a living being just to parade it’s existance to the world.

The thought is just eerie for me and it’s a bit "off" and "deadbeat" for my cup of coffee.

~

"I SWEAR I SAW IT MOVE!!"

I was a factory worker at a doll manufacturing factory at my hometown(NO we don’t have them there). And whenever I worked, I always see on the corner of my eyes, the dolls moving. Sometimes carrying knives, sometimes thier eyes turn white.

I tried telling a few people but they were too busy to listen.

I recall being able to hear what they were saying too, but again, no one would listen to me.

Of course they were spoken in "visaya" but since most of you can’t
understand that, I had the courtesy to translate them into english.

"I’d snap her neck", "I’m going to gouge his eyes with a spoon", "How about tying them up and grinding thier heads to the packaging machine".

It got worse, ever statues and toys are starting to speak too, and only I was able to hear it.

I went home, the teddy-bears would say "Just wait when you sleep, I cut open your kidneys"
I went to church, the statues would say "Give me back my legs"-err yeah…

It only got worse and I woke up after jumping into a cliff.

~

It’s weird how you can only wake up when you "die" in your nightmare. Makes me wonder, if that applies to reality. When you die in reality… you know the drift.

It’s like dreams are previews and teasers to what is waiting for us after we die. Afterall, sleeping could be "temporary dying" for all we know…

WARNING: This isn’t meant to be read/analyzed as it is part of an experiment I’m doing. pouring my heart isn’t what I’m doing here. I’m using my mind instead to analyze things. The heart tends to be very erroneous and I can’t afford any more additional errors.

Just as the song goes, life is a duality of things… Duality and Sides that are contrary, but aren’t really contradictory. Although ironic, it makes sense. It’s simple really, very confusing in other words.

Remember-Forget

Truth-Lies

Hello-Goodbye

I can’t believe how this song applies to a lot of us. And I’m sure it applies to me, "the duality of life".

 

~I just can’t remember to forget you

        There are those instances when you know a person that is etched into your memory so hard-(diamond type of hard) that it is hard to forget them. The only way to do so is to try to remember(ironic isn’t it?) to forget them. The only problem is if you are forgetful in remembering. One moment you are thinking about what to eat/do/think and then "wham!". It starts to creep into your mind. Then before you know it, you’ve wasted your precious time to "the person", no amount of amnesia could ever make you forget.

    Why is it hard to forget that person? Maybe it is because of regret, maybe because of hate, or it could be a memory, or an event? In my case it is the connection. Connection, that I regreted to have disconnected myself. I don’t even know why I used the word but it seemed to fit. You just seem to know, "feel" that connection. I know most of you would feel that too.

~I’m honest to myself that the truth is I lied
   
    Accepting that you made a mistake takes a lot of effort, especially if you know that admitting so would make you actually look worse than before you make such a statement. Pride gets in the way, Self preservation gets in the way, alot of things gets in the way.

    Admitting to a fault you know you have no part to blame in is another thing though. I wonder what poison nature uses to the people when they lean towards attraction to a person, that makes them idiots.

    Yeah, I’ll be honest that I admitted to a lie, but I lied at the same time because I admitted something I didn’t do. Your head hurting yet? That’s how I exactly felt when I acted like an idiot. Now, if only I could bribe mother nature to sell me her "poison" and ask her if there is some antidote cause there are a bit too many people I know that are suffering from it. And I myself need an antidote badly right now.

On the side note: I’ve released the second revision of my NEW Arrangement of the Guilty Gear XX series. This is a remix of Baiken’s Theme and Anji Mito’s theme. Comments and Criticism bout the song are always welcome.  You can download the song(Membership not necessary) at:

http://vgmix.com/song_view.php?song_id=4932

Am I just imagining things or is my blog dead…?